I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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