Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize