I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
