I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
