oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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