It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
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He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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