And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
