and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
