I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
