: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
