I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
