mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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