At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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