home. puking in laundry basket.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
