It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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