you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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