i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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