You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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