I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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