so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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