I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
