I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
