Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
