he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
