I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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