When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
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whose ass print is on the piano?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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