I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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