Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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