One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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