I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Congratulations! We have a period
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
