Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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