i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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