i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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