I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
