For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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