Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
