did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
