my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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