Screwed.edu
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
