Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
