apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
