So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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