For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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