Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
