just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
