I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
