the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
