My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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