Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
