Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
