I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
