i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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