i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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