where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
