I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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