I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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